Charlie Sheen -- DCFS Says He's a 'Self-Absorbed' Phony

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Charlie Sheen
DCFS Says He's a 'Self-Absorbed' Phony
Charlie Sheen is a self-absorbed, psychologically screwed-up parent who is quick to blame others for the plight of his twins, but unwilling to step up to the plate ... so claims the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services.

DCFS sources tell TMZ ... they're pissed that Charlie is hurling grenades at everyone involved in the mess that has become his family -- calling Brooke Mueller a "whore," the judge an "anus brain" and DCFS "incompetent and lascivious."

Our DCFS sources say Charlie has NEVER made a real move to take custody of Bob and Max.  As one source put it, "He cares more about his drugs and porn stars than he does the kids."

There seem to be 2 schools of thought at DCFS -- one is that Charlie is so psychologically screwed up and angry that he should never have the kids, and the other that he has never given the Dept. the chance to take a serious look at him as a custodial parent.

Either way ... DCFS -- not fans.

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Kiefer Sutherland to Charlie Sheen -- At Least ONE of Us Has a Diploma!

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Kiefer to Charlie Sheen:
At Least ONE of Us Has a Diploma!
Kiefer Sutherland has nothing but respect for his "Young Guns" co-star Charlie Sheen  ... who finally got his high school diploma this week ... because it's something Kiefer doesn't have.

Kiefer -- dapperly dressed in a suit and fedora -- was outside Madeo in LA last night ... and may have been reliving his own high school memories when he told us it was "fantastic" that Charlie got his diploma -- 30 years after the rest of his class.

Compared to Kiefer, Charlie's something of an overachiever. Kiefer himself attended several different high schools as a kid ... but revealed in interviews, he never got his diploma.

If Charlie can do it ...

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Selma Blair Threatens Lawsuit -- You Screwed Me Over, Charlie Sheen!

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Selma Blair
Threatens Lawsuit
You Screwed Me, Charlie!

Selma Blair has called in the legal hounds ... threatening Charlie Sheen and Lionsgate Entertainment with a retaliation lawsuit after getting the ax on "Anger Management."

Sources connected with the show tell TMZ ... Selma believes she had a big fat target on her forehead after daring to criticize Charlie for being a slacker.  She repeatedly complained to the crew that everyone had to sit around and wait while Charlie sat in his trailer and learned his lines.

Charlie got wind of Selma's beef and she believes that's when the die was cast.  Our sources say Selma's now demanding the $1.2 mil she would have made if she would have continued working ... and if she doesn't get it she's filing a lawsuit.

Sources tell TMZ ... of the 12 scenes per show, Selma was only in 3 or 4.  Charlie was in all 12 and required to memorize 44 to 48 pages of dialogue per show.  One source said candidly, "When you work 12 hours a day and have 3 girlfriends at home, it's hard to memorize all the lines for tomorrow."

As for the claim of wrongful termination based on retaliation ... our sources acknowledge, when Charlie heard Selma was trashing him he was pissed, but the decision had already been made to write her off the show, because "America didn't want to see Charlie with just one girlfriend."

But here's the thing ... One very well placed source tells TMZ ... the plan was to phase Selma out over 8 episodes.  After Charlie heard Selma was bitching about him, "That process was accelerated."

We're told lawyers for Lionsgate and Selma are currently talking ... trying to reach a settlement.

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Charlie Sheen -- Call Me Grandpa Warlock

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Charlie Sheen
You Can Call Me
Grandpa Warlock
Charlie Sheen was not only able to make offspring -- his offspring have now made little warlocks of their own ... officially crowning him the hardest partying grandfather EVER.

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Charlie Sheen Officially a Grandpa -- It's a 'Wondrous Day'

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Charlie Sheen
Officially a Grandpa
It's a 'Wondrous Day'
Charlie Sheen is now officially the coolest grandfather-warlock on the planet -- TMZ has learned, his 28-year-old daughter Cassandra Estevez just gave birth to a baby girl named Luna.

In borderline poetry, Charlie tells TMZ, "It's impossibly a most wondrous day. My bucket list is a thimble!"

The thimble metaphor is subject to interpretation, but it sounds like having a grandchild was one of the biggest items on Charlie's bucket list. In other words, the rest of his bucket list is so small, it's thimble-sized. But our guess is as good as yours.

Fun fact: Luna has two uncles who are only 4 years older than her ... Charlie and Brooke Mueller's twins.

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Charlie Sheen -- Meet My 'Angels' ... Now Meet Their Boobs

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Charlie Sheen
Meet My 'Angels'
... Now Meet Their Boobs Charlie Sheen's Goddess-less days are over ... the warlock has found three NEW porn star girlfriends -- but this time he's calling them "Angels". Get it, like "Charlie's Angels".

TMZ obtained pics of Charlie and his harem vacationing in Hawaii recently. Keeping to the theme, he chose a blonde, a brunette and a ginger -- who go by JL, JJ, and CS. Who knows which is which.

From the pics it's clear Charlie had a great time with his ladies -- probably because they were topless.

We're told the orgy party didn't stop in Hawaii either ... the XXX stars are now shacking up with Sheen in L.A. ... kind of like it's 2011 all over again.

And we couldn't be more excited.

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Charlie Sheen -- At War With Selma Blair ... She's FIRED!

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Charlie Sheen
At War With Selma Blair
She's FIRED! Charlie Sheen and Selma Blair are in an all out WAR on the set of "Anger Management" ... so much so, Sheen says he fired the actress and REFUSES to shoot if she comes to set today, this according to sources connected to the show.

We're told it all started when Selma complained to "AM" execs that Charlie was a menace to work with -- claiming he's late all the time and has a shoddy work ethic.

Problem is ... the actor found out about it and was super pissed. We're told Charlie felt Selma was out of line considering he's the star of the show. And he specifically referenced himself learning 40 pages of lines per episode compared to her 2.

But sources close to Sheen tell us the actor did more than just complain ... he told everyone HE FIRED SELMA altogether -- although it's unclear how official it was.

Charlie then made it clear to "AM" honchos ... if Selma shows up to set Monday -- when the show is scheduled to shoot -- he'll refuse to work.

And there's this ... we're told Charlie now wants to extend an offer to Mila Kunis (a.k.a. Ashton Kutcher's GF) for a 10 episode arch ... at $1 MILLION per episode.

As for the network honchos ... our sources say the execs are hoping it will all blow over. But we're told Charlie specifically asked FX to support him in his decision. Calls to Selma's people were not returned.

Now here they are in happier (scripted) times ...